I don't really know how to put it. Things have been way to hard for me lately and as much as I love you guys and I feel like you're the friends I can be happy with and myself around most, I won't be coming on here.

When you're getting bad grades no matter how much you study, feel like the third wheel to your best friends, and the last wheel or left out to a huge group of people, have been bullied for everything, making you hate the things you used to love about yourself, sprain your ankle and you're treated like you're faking it, your mom swears that you have a boyfriend, you're never taken seriously, scared one of your best friends ignores you on purpose and hates you, going to the high school everybody says is for freaks and psychos, find out the one with the worst grades in your class even thinks you're dumb and retarded, have rumours about yourself being spread around the school and you find out the source of the rumour were supposed to be your friends, well, nobody can take all that. Especially all at once.

I hate my life. I really do. I'd rather trade lives with anyone in my school than have to deal with my own. To the point where you break out crying at school two days in a row. And that's the only way some people will actually start being nice to me for a change, when my face is red and wet and I won't stop hyperventilating. That's what it takes to get people to actually listen to you.

I'm not going into details with everything that happened because there's too many things to talk about. But, it's a living hell. There are days where I just want to sit in my room and separate myself from the world so I don't have to deal with it. Sometimes I feel like I only need myself and I can't trust anyone. And call me a freaky psychotic bitch for saying this, but a little part in the corner of my mind has thought about doing what many kids end up doing to themselves as a result of being bullied. But don't worry, I'm not going to do it. I'm not that much of a freak that I would do it. But I do wish I temporarily could do that then reverse it, just so that people could see what they've done. And that their words do hurt, and all these sayings about kids doing that to themselves is actually true.

Right when I thought things were getting better, I reached the worst, deepest possible part of it. I used to think that kids acting like this were just overreacting and what they want to do to themselves was just them being crazy. But now I'm like that too, and I'm not crazy. And the way I'm ending my years at my current school is just how I started it: Bullied, no friends, with anger management problems, crying everyday.

The worst thing is I don't know what I've done to deserve this. Maybe it's because of the way I dress, boring, plain, or like a guy. Maybe the way I act. Like a freak, a little kid, or a weird geek who everybody labels as a nerd. Maybe I'm an attention whore. Maybe I'm just that fun to hurt. I used to think words hurt less than any physical pain. Boy, I was wrong. I'd rather be in the hospital from an accident than to deal with this.

I pray people at my high school that I'll be at in four months are better. Then maybe I'll be that girl posting happy journals about her funny day like I was a year ago. But I'm not coming on DeviantArt. Don't worry though, you haven't lost complete contact with me, it won't be forever. I'll be back and posting again someday, I just don't know when. I know you want this to be a joke, I do too, but it's real. I still have a few drawings I want to upload so I might put those up if I feel like it, and may pop in to comment or reply to a few things, but don't expect another journal or conversation from me on here anytime soon. You guys aren't the problem, you're really not, it's just that I need some time to deal with this and however long it takes it however long I'll be gone. I'll see you guys again someday.

It does feel kind of good to let it all out, so there's a start, I guess.